Thursday, January 6, 2011


My baby just turned 21 months last week. She is growing so well and developing right on track which is a true miracle.
However, the 21 month mark has been hard for me. My first 2 girls are 21 months apart. My middle and baby are 21 months apart. And here I am, 21 months later not having another baby. It makes me sad... actually really sad. Strangely sad.
We made a thoughtful decision after our baby was born to be finished. The pregnancy was almost unbearable. The emotional rollercoaster was intense. Our family was split up. There are really no words to explain the impact the situation had on us all. The logical decision was made. And it made sense. In my head.
And here I am, feeling in my heart. Missing the baby at the 21 month mark.
My husband decided this was a really good week to rid the house of all things "baby". Baby clothes, baby shoes, baby toys, baby swings, baby bathtubs... He has no understanding of the significance of this week. Or how hard it is for a mother to part with all of these things. So, I have sat up at night, alone, going through bins of clothes. Touching them and smelling them and preparing myself to miss them. I remember who gave them to us. Before I even take them out of the bin, I remember what stain is on the elbow and where it was from. Paint stains from art projects and grass stains from the park.
And then during the day I love and hug and squeeze and enjoy my three miracles.


  1. Oh, Jillian. I love your heart. And mine is hurting a little bit for you right now...

  2. Soon, I'll be there in person to share a hug. I tell myself that it's good our heart can hurt sometimes. It tells we care and we're alive.

    Love you, sister! Hugs, Jess