Wednesday, March 9, 2011


She was all dressed in her party clothes: jeans, her "three year old birthday shirt", a bright green tutu and her cowgirl boots. She looked up at me so excited and said, "Mommy, are you feeling better? Can we still go to the party?"

There are a lot of things I hate about this illness. Obviously I hate the pain of the headaches and the annoyance of the nausea. Obviously I hate not having any extra energy or leftover strength. Obviously I hate how messy my house is all the time. Obviously I hate all the time I have spent going through tests and procedures. Obviously I hate the unbelievable amount of money we have spent on medical bills and the time I have been away from the girls.

However, the worst part about the whole thing is the disappointment it has brought my girls.
We had plans with some wonderful friends awhile back. The girls were so excited. I was so excited. We had talked about where we were going and what fun things we were going to see and do. It was going to be great! But then I woke up feeling awful. I tried to push through. I got everyone dressed and our bag packed. I even buckled them into their carseats and started the car... But there was no way I could go. I was shaking and dizzy. My head was pounding so hard that I couldn't see straight. I just knew I was going to throw up.
The girls were giggling and so anxious to see our friends. I just couldn't do it. I started crying... really crying. Not because I was sick, but because I was about disappoint my girls so much.
(Luckily we have awesome neighbors who let the girls come over and play so the day was not totally shot)

This weekend I had a headache that I just couldn't kick. It went on for a few days and was just so annoying. It had me so nauseated on Friday that I was throwing up. My husband was out of town for the weekend and we had two birthday parties scheduled for Saturday. I dreaded a repeat of the above scene. I just couldn't stand to let these kids down... to disappoint them again.
I tried to call some family to help me out. To take them to the party or go with me and help. No success...
So I called friends to pray. To pray that I would feel better. That this would pass and that I would not be in a position to disappoint my girls.
God is good. He listens. Although I wasn't feeling excellent on Saturday, I was able to make it to both parties. It was a long day, but I made it.
That morning, Brynn got up and got herself dressed for the party. She was so excited. My eyes filled with tears when she asked me if I was feeling better and if we could still go to the parties. I was not going to let a little headache disappoint those hopeful eyes.


  1. i can really hear your heart in this.

  2. Whether you make it or not.......does not determine your worth to these girls. To 2 birthday parties or anything else that the future holds. Jillian, you are one of the best moms I know. I strive to be more like you every day. I know somewhere you have to believe this, too......just hope you can remember it when it's needed.

    Love you!