Friday, April 15, 2011

My Victory...

"This child meant so much to me. I had fought for her. I had not given in. She was my victory."
(taken from Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay)

I finally said it out loud... Something that I had been thinking for over two years. A thought that went round and round in my head... A thought that filled me with both guilt and hope.

"I will never be the same."

There are no words.
There are so many feelings.
But no words.

Being pregnant obviously changes your life in a cliche' kind of way. You have a living being growing inside of you. It is weird but amazingly awesome.
But being pregnant with Brooke was different. There was so much pain and confusion. So many questions and fear. So much loneliness. So many secrets.

It changed me. As a person. As a mother. As a wife. As a Christian. As a daughter. As a friend.

And it has taken me two years to be able to say "I will never be the same".
And I am still trying to figure out if this is an acceptable thing.
I am trying to figure out how this changed me fits into my marriage and into my role as a mother. How my changed view of life and God works. How I work through the fear and anxiety my daughter has developed. How I make sense of my inability to explain it all...


  1. I'm so glad you can say this. Every part counts. Getting there, the victory and what you do with it.

  2. i love this. i believe there is a beauty in wrestling with the hard things. you are a courageous woman. i hope you see that in yourself.

  3. Good for you!!

    I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I was in hard place myself at that time. While I may not truly 100% get it, I had to fight every single moment to protect my children while they were growing in me so I do get that part. Many people thought I was crazy for having 2nd child. One friend even said a bad word when I told her! :-) I have no regret.

    In my experience, I don't think we can truly explain everything. There would always be questions. One day, it's easy. Next day, it is a miracle we are even still upright instead of right on our face in the mud!

    Just simply breath, one step in front of other until we get to the finish line. Your girls are full of life and passionate. Anxiety is understandable considering all the roller coaster ups and downs which was extreme and even more at the tender age of all girls. Just one day at a time and breath. That's all we can do.

    My gosh, Brooke will be 5 years old in 9 days!! Where has time gone??

    Love you so much and I'm your biggest fan!!