Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Weeds...

Some people run.
Or eat.
Or don't eat.
Or smoke.
Or drink.
Or go to therapy.
I pull weeds.

It is weird.
I know it.
But I love it.
I can do it for hours.

It relaxes me.
Calms me.
Grounds me.

And I am sad when I finish.
When the weeds are gone.
And I'm still feeling lost.

Love this song...

You got your hand on the door
And you're ready to walk out
Well, the fight that you had filled your mind up with all this doubt
And you're losing your mind and losing your faith
And you can't remember why you fell in love in the first place

Go back, go back to the moment of truth
When she walked down the aisle and you first said, "I do"
When this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Go back, go back to the moment of truth

You got your hand on a habit
And you can't seem to let it go
It used to be your escape now it's out of control
And now it's you in the mirror
But you don't recognize your face
And you're looking for a reason not to throw it all away

Just go back, go back
To the moment of truth
With three words, "It's a girl"
And she looks just like you
When this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Go back, just go back to the moment of truth

You got your hand on the Bible
But your heart feels like stone
'Cause you think that you've made too many mistakes to come home
And you're losing your will and you're losing your faith
And now you wonder if you even believed in the first place

Just go back to the moment of truth
When you first talked to Jesus
And He reached out for you
He's still reaching, He's still reaching out for you
So when this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Just go back, just go back
To the moment of truth


-Matthew West 
Moment of Truth

Middle of the Night Verses...

"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25:4-5

Every morning at 2:07am I receive a daily devotional email. I was awake with one of the girls last night, so I decided to go ahead and read it instead of waiting until the sun came up. This was the verse for the day... and I needed it.
"My hope is in you ALL DAY LONG." This is the part I struggle with...
All day.
Not just when I first wake up.
Or when I am feeling frustrated.
Or when things are going according to plan (my plan).
But ALL DAY LONG.

Blossom

I'm not a crazy Oprah fan... I didn't sit home and watch her show when I only had one baby and not much going on. I missed her last show... I think she can be a bit annoying. There are a few things that I do agree with her on... girls do deserve an education too, oral sex is sex, and everyone should work to better him/herself.

I also agree with this quote that she posted on her facebook page (yes, I'm a "fan" of her fb page!):
“What I know for sure is this: You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary."  -Oprah

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about. And struggling with.
I often feel as if I "shrink down to less". That I don't allow myself to show my educated self. My "smarts". Like I need to play dumb for some reason. That I'm a silly stay at home mom... who doesn't have an opinion. Or at least an opinion that counts.
I struggle. I struggle with when to blossom. When to hide. When to be splendid. When to shy away. When to be the smallest bit extraordinary. When to be plain.

My focus and my goal this year is to dig deep into this struggle. To try and better understand why I question this. My worth. My splendid-ness. My ability to blossom.

Please hold me accountable.
Please help me.

I keep...

I keep my house decent. Not perfect.
I keep my clothes presentable. Not pressed.
I keep my girls behaved. Not puppets.
I keep my relationships real. Not petty.

Love This.

I Must Admit...

I have to admit something.
The last 48 hours of mothering has caused me to consider getting a job outside of the house.
Hopefully by tomorrow I will be over it... and loving this phase again.
But, today, it is getting on my last nerve.

I kind of miss having a shower every day.
And ironed clothes.
And an office door that closes... and people that knock.
And a bathroom stall... alone.
And a desk that stays organized.
And cute little decorations that don't get their heads broken off.
And coworkers that don't smear poop all over the floor.
And people that clean up after themselves.
And adult conversations.
And meetings where things are accomplished.
And to-do lists that get shorter.
And you hear "thank you" and "well done".
And a paycheck...

But, honestly, I would miss the dirty house.
And loud voices.
And non-stop singing.
And dirty hair.
And sweats.
And decorations with dried glue around the necks.
And being asked how much longer I was going to be locked in the bathroom.
And a sink full of sippy cups.
And having my computer time interrupted to fix a doll's hair or paint toenails.
And maybe even the poopy floor...
Maybe.