Boobs or Books???

Since the doctor frowned upon the boob job, I decided to spend the money on turning our dining room into an office/library. I have had all of my books in boxes in storage since we moved in almost 4 years ago. I am happy to have them back out again...

In the past?

"I try not to live in the past, he thought, but who knows, sometimes the past lives in me." -Taken from Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet

Move forward.
Live for today.
You can't change the past.
That is yesterday's news.
There is nothing you can do about it now.
Move on.
Forget about it.

Oh, how sometimes I wish that was all true. However, the quote from the book seems to fit my life more.

The past seems to live in me...
The great times and the tough memories.
The highs and the lows.
The struggles and the joys.
The tears of sorrow and the tears of joy.
The days my girls were born and the days the others didn't make it.
The day I was married and the days we fight.
The mornings of sun and afternoons of storms.
The moments of complete love for my kids and the times of total frustration.
The pain and the healing.
The past seems to live in me...

The past makes me.
Creates me.
It is what I am made up of.
It is why I am who I am.
I wouldn't be the woman I am without it.
I certainly wouldn't be the wife and mother I am...
Or the friend.

So maybe it isn't so bad...
to sometimes have the past live in you.

Little House on a Big Hill

I took my girls to a little house on a big hill...
For a break.
For peace and fresh air.
For understanding and a place to pray.
For time to clear my mind and my head.

My amazing friend lives there. 
Our relationship has evolved through the years...
From Spring Break tattoos to deep understanding.
And I wouldn't be where I am today without her influence.
She is the friend who responds with "Prayed for you at dinner. Love you.... Will pray for you more."
When I text her late at night feeling extra desperate.

Her little house on a big hill was just what my heart needed.
Her care and her love.
Her understanding and her ability to challenge.
Her cooking and her wine.
Her fresh air.
And tire swing...

It all did my heart some good.
Thank you, friend.

Every Anniversary...

I read a comment on a friend's Facebook page the other day that said "Every anniversary is a victory."
This year I am feeling that more than ever.

Today is our 9th anniversary.

9 years ago right now, I was at a bridal luncheon. It was beautiful. I was surrounded by amazing women and the air was filled with hope and joy. A young man showed up to deliver 2 dozen gorgeous red roses that my "almost husband" had sent. It was all so magical.

The ceremony was surreal. There were hundreds of guests. The church was perfect. I felt like a real princess.
My father walked me down the aisle. I stopped halfway and looked at my dad and said, "I am so happy!"

And today we are at our 9th victory...
but some days are difficult.
some days the air is not filled with hope.
or joy.
some days I feel like that poor goldfish on the asthma commercial.
flopping around trying to catch my breath.
trying to get back to where things are good.
and comfortable.
and normal.
some days I feel like the final stretch of a marathon.
gasping for air.
stretching for the finish line.
wishing I could rest.

but for today
I will celebrate the 9 victories.
I will embrace the years.
and the blessings.
and the trials.
and the hope of getting back in the fish bowl.
and the joy of knowing there is a finish line.

What A Bitch...

I'm pretty sure that if my kids knew what "bitch" meant, they would be using it these days. Towards me.
I have been short with them and super testy. And I hate it.
I hate going to bed at night sad about how my day was. Sad about how I talked to my kids. Sad that maybe they think I am a mean and nasty mom.
So, today I am trying again. Trying to love them better. Trying to speak kindly and softly. Trying to encourage. Trying to maintain patience. Trying to not be a bitch.

My Victory...

"This child meant so much to me. I had fought for her. I had not given in. She was my victory."
(taken from Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay)

I finally said it out loud... Something that I had been thinking for over two years. A thought that went round and round in my head... A thought that filled me with both guilt and hope.

"I will never be the same."

There are no words.
There are so many feelings.
But no words.

Being pregnant obviously changes your life in a cliche' kind of way. You have a living being growing inside of you. It is weird but amazingly awesome.
But being pregnant with Brooke was different. There was so much pain and confusion. So many questions and fear. So much loneliness. So many secrets.

It changed me. As a person. As a mother. As a wife. As a Christian. As a daughter. As a friend.

And it has taken me two years to be able to say "I will never be the same".
And I am still trying to figure out if this is an acceptable thing.
I am trying to figure out how this changed me fits into my marriage and into my role as a mother. How my changed view of life and God works. How I work through the fear and anxiety my daughter has developed. How I make sense of my inability to explain it all...

Tomorrow...

I have so much to write. So much to say. So many thoughts swirling around in my head.
But they are not making sense and they are disorganized.
I will try again tomorrow. I will try to make sense of them and put them in some sort of order that makes some sort of sense.
And tomorrow I will write.