Two Years In The Making?

I last posted two years ago. Two. Pathetic? Possibly. But I honestly think that it was two years in the making. This post. My return. Writing again. It has been a process. Finding my words. Discovering my voice. Finding what matters. And throwing out what doesn't. Learning what it means to "Live Simply". How to "Embrace the Journey". All those things... And so here I am. Two years later. A different person. Mostly.

I've been listening to this song over and over again. I need it... Come, ye sinners, poor and needy, Weak and wounded, sick and sore; Jesus ready stands to save you, Full of pity, love and pow’r. Refrain: I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms; In the arms of my dear Savior, Oh, there are ten thousand charms. Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome, God’s free bounty glorify; True belief and true repentance, Every grace that brings you nigh. Come, ye weary, heavy-laden, Lost and ruined by the fall; If you tarry till you’re better, You will never come at all. View Him prostrate in the garden; On the ground your Maker lies; On the bloody tree behold Him; Sinner, will this not suffice? Lo! th’ incarnate God ascended, Pleads the merit of His blood: Venture on Him, venture wholly, Let no other trust intrude. Let not conscience make you linger, Not of fitness fondly dream; All the fitness He requireth Is to feel your need of Him.

A Lot of Tilting.

I have spent my morning in a place of randomness.
Reorganizing the liquor cabinet.
Twice.
Reframing a family picture.
Five times.
Moving the clock to a different wall.
Four times.
Rearranging framed artwork.
Six times.

My friend told me to prioritize.
Obviously.
And none of this is a priority.
Obviously.

Just when I thought I was getting used to my current level of tilted-ness... 

The doctor delivers news that I didn't want. 

And now I am suffering from a lot of tilting... 

My body is weak. 

My mind is lost.

My heart hurts.

My spirit is confused.

And I am afraid. And this is what I do.
Random acts. Busy work. Mindless behaviors.
To try and get my footing on this tilting ground.

I need to take my friend's advice.
Prioritize.
Pray. Cry. Exercise. Sleep. Read. Write. Ask for help. Pray more.
To try and get my footing on this tilting ground.

A Secret?

My husband calls this my "secret blog".
It isn't.
It is just a small part of my heart that I am choosing to share with a small part of my friends.
Sometimes I need to share.
Open up my heart just a little bit.
Show some of my hopes and dreams and fears and joys.

my bestie

I actually did something for myself. This doesn't happen much. At all.
I asked/insisted/almost begged for a birthday trip to Cali to spend some time with my best friend.

It was exactly what I needed.
Nothing exciting.
No tourist attractions.
Nothing fancy or expensive.

Just being with her.
Spending very late nights up drinking and talking.
Crying and giggling.

Catching up.
On life.
And kids.
And marriage.
And hopes.
And disappointments.
And dreams.
And books.
And movies.
And goals.
And lost time.

love her.

Borrowed from my daily devotional...

January 2, 2012 The Most Searched for Answer Lysa TerKeurst

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12 (NIV)

Growing up I had a plan for how I could make my life good.

Get a good education. A good job. A good husband. A few good kids. A good house. A good flowerbed out front. And a good mini-van parked in the driveway.

Then life would be... good.

Eventually, I had all that good stuff. I was thankful for it all. I loved my family to pieces. The mini-van wasn't all I thought it would be, but I felt like an official mom driving it. So even that wound up being good.

But something inside me still felt hollow. A little off. A little lacking.

So, I reasoned I needed something else to do. Something where I could use my gifts and talents. And while these things were fun and satisfying on one level, they too fell short when it came to that deep place ringing with the echoes of empty.

Empty is a heavy load to bear. The mystery of wanting to be filled but not knowing how or what could fill the deep soul is a gnawing ache. A search that can seem both futile and shattering at times.

When you try and try, always feeling like the answer is just around the corner, and then it isn't, it can split your heart wide open and leak dry all your reserves.

It can make you feel unsatisfied and frustrated with everything. Even those you love. Maybe especially those you love.

So you fake a smile and keep putting one foot in front of the other. But eventually you stop peeking around the next corner hoping the answer is there. History tells you it isn't. And wrapped in that perception is the noose that strangles out all hope.

Sadly, this is where many women live.

I know this place because I lived there. I struggled there.

And I guess I'm just wondering if you or someone you love might be there as we begin another year. A New Year. It's tough when everything around you screams "Happy New Year!" and you feel anything but.

It quite honestly stinks.

So, I'm not going to pretend you'll suddenly feel super happy after reading this.

But what I can promise is a string of words that explains a lot. An answer that is sure and solid and true and full of the breathless wonder of a hope rediscovered.

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved," (Acts 4:13).

Salvation can't be found in a person.

Even a good husband — good children — a good friend makes a very poor God.

Salvation can't be found in anyone or anything else.

No education or job or house can save you.

There is no other.

Only Jesus.

And I'm not just talking about saying we're a Christian. Just following the rules and really following Jesus are two totally different things.

Going through the motions of religion won't ever satisfy. It's only when we bend down low, open our heart in complete surrender, and say, "Jesus, it's You. Only You. There is no other. There is no other possession or person or position that can ever fill the deep soul place shaped only for You."

This is my New Year's prayer this year. Though I've been saved for a long time, I want to recapture the essence of this "no other" reality.

And really live like this is true.

Because it is. True.

Dear Lord, forgive me for trying to fill the empty places of my soul with people, possessions and positions. I want to know what it means to have You, Lord, as the satisfier of the deep places meant only for You. Show me. Teach me. Lead me. And I will follow. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

vs.

Taken from "Encouragement for Today" email devotional...
received right when I needed it...

My thoughts: I want to give up.
God's Word: Be committed Matthew 5:33-37

My thoughts: I'll feel lost.
God's Word: He watches my paths and establishes my ways. Proverbs 5:21, 4:26

My thoughts: No one loves me.
God's Word: He loves me more than life. John 3:16

My thoughts: I'm ugly.
God's Word: I'm wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

My thoughts: I'm all alone and no one understands me.
God's Word: He will never leave me. He has plans for my life. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts: I'm just not good enough.
God's Word: I was created in His image. Genesis 1:26

The Bus Is Just The Beginning...

I watched my oldest walk down the driveway and get onto the school bus this afternoon.
I cry every day... every time she gets onto that bus.
I cry.

And today I gave it to God.
Handed it back.
Let it go.

I can not live in fear.
I can not obsess on what may happen to her.
On the bus.
Or at school.
Or at a friend's house.
Or in the backseat of a boy's car.
Or at a party.
Or on a trip.
Or in our own house.

I can pray.
And love.
And hope.
And give it to God.

Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Weeds...

Some people run.
Or eat.
Or don't eat.
Or smoke.
Or drink.
Or go to therapy.
I pull weeds.

It is weird.
I know it.
But I love it.
I can do it for hours.

It relaxes me.
Calms me.
Grounds me.

And I am sad when I finish.
When the weeds are gone.
And I'm still feeling lost.

Love this song...

You got your hand on the door
And you're ready to walk out
Well, the fight that you had filled your mind up with all this doubt
And you're losing your mind and losing your faith
And you can't remember why you fell in love in the first place

Go back, go back to the moment of truth
When she walked down the aisle and you first said, "I do"
When this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Go back, go back to the moment of truth

You got your hand on a habit
And you can't seem to let it go
It used to be your escape now it's out of control
And now it's you in the mirror
But you don't recognize your face
And you're looking for a reason not to throw it all away

Just go back, go back
To the moment of truth
With three words, "It's a girl"
And she looks just like you
When this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Go back, just go back to the moment of truth

You got your hand on the Bible
But your heart feels like stone
'Cause you think that you've made too many mistakes to come home
And you're losing your will and you're losing your faith
And now you wonder if you even believed in the first place

Just go back to the moment of truth
When you first talked to Jesus
And He reached out for you
He's still reaching, He's still reaching out for you
So when this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose
Just go back, just go back
To the moment of truth


-Matthew West 
Moment of Truth

Middle of the Night Verses...

"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25:4-5

Every morning at 2:07am I receive a daily devotional email. I was awake with one of the girls last night, so I decided to go ahead and read it instead of waiting until the sun came up. This was the verse for the day... and I needed it.
"My hope is in you ALL DAY LONG." This is the part I struggle with...
All day.
Not just when I first wake up.
Or when I am feeling frustrated.
Or when things are going according to plan (my plan).
But ALL DAY LONG.

Blossom

I'm not a crazy Oprah fan... I didn't sit home and watch her show when I only had one baby and not much going on. I missed her last show... I think she can be a bit annoying. There are a few things that I do agree with her on... girls do deserve an education too, oral sex is sex, and everyone should work to better him/herself.

I also agree with this quote that she posted on her facebook page (yes, I'm a "fan" of her fb page!):
“What I know for sure is this: You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary."  -Oprah

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about. And struggling with.
I often feel as if I "shrink down to less". That I don't allow myself to show my educated self. My "smarts". Like I need to play dumb for some reason. That I'm a silly stay at home mom... who doesn't have an opinion. Or at least an opinion that counts.
I struggle. I struggle with when to blossom. When to hide. When to be splendid. When to shy away. When to be the smallest bit extraordinary. When to be plain.

My focus and my goal this year is to dig deep into this struggle. To try and better understand why I question this. My worth. My splendid-ness. My ability to blossom.

Please hold me accountable.
Please help me.

I keep...

I keep my house decent. Not perfect.
I keep my clothes presentable. Not pressed.
I keep my girls behaved. Not puppets.
I keep my relationships real. Not petty.

Love This.

I Must Admit...

I have to admit something.
The last 48 hours of mothering has caused me to consider getting a job outside of the house.
Hopefully by tomorrow I will be over it... and loving this phase again.
But, today, it is getting on my last nerve.

I kind of miss having a shower every day.
And ironed clothes.
And an office door that closes... and people that knock.
And a bathroom stall... alone.
And a desk that stays organized.
And cute little decorations that don't get their heads broken off.
And coworkers that don't smear poop all over the floor.
And people that clean up after themselves.
And adult conversations.
And meetings where things are accomplished.
And to-do lists that get shorter.
And you hear "thank you" and "well done".
And a paycheck...

But, honestly, I would miss the dirty house.
And loud voices.
And non-stop singing.
And dirty hair.
And sweats.
And decorations with dried glue around the necks.
And being asked how much longer I was going to be locked in the bathroom.
And a sink full of sippy cups.
And having my computer time interrupted to fix a doll's hair or paint toenails.
And maybe even the poopy floor...
Maybe.

Boobs or Books???

Since the doctor frowned upon the boob job, I decided to spend the money on turning our dining room into an office/library. I have had all of my books in boxes in storage since we moved in almost 4 years ago. I am happy to have them back out again...

In the past?

"I try not to live in the past, he thought, but who knows, sometimes the past lives in me." -Taken from Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet

Move forward.
Live for today.
You can't change the past.
That is yesterday's news.
There is nothing you can do about it now.
Move on.
Forget about it.

Oh, how sometimes I wish that was all true. However, the quote from the book seems to fit my life more.

The past seems to live in me...
The great times and the tough memories.
The highs and the lows.
The struggles and the joys.
The tears of sorrow and the tears of joy.
The days my girls were born and the days the others didn't make it.
The day I was married and the days we fight.
The mornings of sun and afternoons of storms.
The moments of complete love for my kids and the times of total frustration.
The pain and the healing.
The past seems to live in me...

The past makes me.
Creates me.
It is what I am made up of.
It is why I am who I am.
I wouldn't be the woman I am without it.
I certainly wouldn't be the wife and mother I am...
Or the friend.

So maybe it isn't so bad...
to sometimes have the past live in you.

Little House on a Big Hill

I took my girls to a little house on a big hill...
For a break.
For peace and fresh air.
For understanding and a place to pray.
For time to clear my mind and my head.

My amazing friend lives there. 
Our relationship has evolved through the years...
From Spring Break tattoos to deep understanding.
And I wouldn't be where I am today without her influence.
She is the friend who responds with "Prayed for you at dinner. Love you.... Will pray for you more."
When I text her late at night feeling extra desperate.

Her little house on a big hill was just what my heart needed.
Her care and her love.
Her understanding and her ability to challenge.
Her cooking and her wine.
Her fresh air.
And tire swing...

It all did my heart some good.
Thank you, friend.

Every Anniversary...

I read a comment on a friend's Facebook page the other day that said "Every anniversary is a victory."
This year I am feeling that more than ever.

Today is our 9th anniversary.

9 years ago right now, I was at a bridal luncheon. It was beautiful. I was surrounded by amazing women and the air was filled with hope and joy. A young man showed up to deliver 2 dozen gorgeous red roses that my "almost husband" had sent. It was all so magical.

The ceremony was surreal. There were hundreds of guests. The church was perfect. I felt like a real princess.
My father walked me down the aisle. I stopped halfway and looked at my dad and said, "I am so happy!"

And today we are at our 9th victory...
but some days are difficult.
some days the air is not filled with hope.
or joy.
some days I feel like that poor goldfish on the asthma commercial.
flopping around trying to catch my breath.
trying to get back to where things are good.
and comfortable.
and normal.
some days I feel like the final stretch of a marathon.
gasping for air.
stretching for the finish line.
wishing I could rest.

but for today
I will celebrate the 9 victories.
I will embrace the years.
and the blessings.
and the trials.
and the hope of getting back in the fish bowl.
and the joy of knowing there is a finish line.

What A Bitch...

I'm pretty sure that if my kids knew what "bitch" meant, they would be using it these days. Towards me.
I have been short with them and super testy. And I hate it.
I hate going to bed at night sad about how my day was. Sad about how I talked to my kids. Sad that maybe they think I am a mean and nasty mom.
So, today I am trying again. Trying to love them better. Trying to speak kindly and softly. Trying to encourage. Trying to maintain patience. Trying to not be a bitch.