Two Years In The Making?

I last posted two years ago. Two. Pathetic? Possibly. But I honestly think that it was two years in the making. This post. My return. Writing again. It has been a process. Finding my words. Discovering my voice. Finding what matters. And throwing out what doesn't. Learning what it means to "Live Simply". How to "Embrace the Journey". All those things... And so here I am. Two years later. A different person. Mostly.

I've been listening to this song over and over again. I need it... Come, ye sinners, poor and needy, Weak and wounded, sick and sore; Jesus ready stands to save you, Full of pity, love and pow’r. Refrain: I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms; In the arms of my dear Savior, Oh, there are ten thousand charms. Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome, God’s free bounty glorify; True belief and true repentance, Every grace that brings you nigh. Come, ye weary, heavy-laden, Lost and ruined by the fall; If you tarry till you’re better, You will never come at all. View Him prostrate in the garden; On the ground your Maker lies; On the bloody tree behold Him; Sinner, will this not suffice? Lo! th’ incarnate God ascended, Pleads the merit of His blood: Venture on Him, venture wholly, Let no other trust intrude. Let not conscience make you linger, Not of fitness fondly dream; All the fitness He requireth Is to feel your need of Him.

A Lot of Tilting.

I have spent my morning in a place of randomness.
Reorganizing the liquor cabinet.
Twice.
Reframing a family picture.
Five times.
Moving the clock to a different wall.
Four times.
Rearranging framed artwork.
Six times.

My friend told me to prioritize.
Obviously.
And none of this is a priority.
Obviously.

Just when I thought I was getting used to my current level of tilted-ness... 

The doctor delivers news that I didn't want. 

And now I am suffering from a lot of tilting... 

My body is weak. 

My mind is lost.

My heart hurts.

My spirit is confused.

And I am afraid. And this is what I do.
Random acts. Busy work. Mindless behaviors.
To try and get my footing on this tilting ground.

I need to take my friend's advice.
Prioritize.
Pray. Cry. Exercise. Sleep. Read. Write. Ask for help. Pray more.
To try and get my footing on this tilting ground.

A Secret?

My husband calls this my "secret blog".
It isn't.
It is just a small part of my heart that I am choosing to share with a small part of my friends.
Sometimes I need to share.
Open up my heart just a little bit.
Show some of my hopes and dreams and fears and joys.

my bestie

I actually did something for myself. This doesn't happen much. At all.
I asked/insisted/almost begged for a birthday trip to Cali to spend some time with my best friend.

It was exactly what I needed.
Nothing exciting.
No tourist attractions.
Nothing fancy or expensive.

Just being with her.
Spending very late nights up drinking and talking.
Crying and giggling.

Catching up.
On life.
And kids.
And marriage.
And hopes.
And disappointments.
And dreams.
And books.
And movies.
And goals.
And lost time.

love her.

Borrowed from my daily devotional...

January 2, 2012 The Most Searched for Answer Lysa TerKeurst

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12 (NIV)

Growing up I had a plan for how I could make my life good.

Get a good education. A good job. A good husband. A few good kids. A good house. A good flowerbed out front. And a good mini-van parked in the driveway.

Then life would be... good.

Eventually, I had all that good stuff. I was thankful for it all. I loved my family to pieces. The mini-van wasn't all I thought it would be, but I felt like an official mom driving it. So even that wound up being good.

But something inside me still felt hollow. A little off. A little lacking.

So, I reasoned I needed something else to do. Something where I could use my gifts and talents. And while these things were fun and satisfying on one level, they too fell short when it came to that deep place ringing with the echoes of empty.

Empty is a heavy load to bear. The mystery of wanting to be filled but not knowing how or what could fill the deep soul is a gnawing ache. A search that can seem both futile and shattering at times.

When you try and try, always feeling like the answer is just around the corner, and then it isn't, it can split your heart wide open and leak dry all your reserves.

It can make you feel unsatisfied and frustrated with everything. Even those you love. Maybe especially those you love.

So you fake a smile and keep putting one foot in front of the other. But eventually you stop peeking around the next corner hoping the answer is there. History tells you it isn't. And wrapped in that perception is the noose that strangles out all hope.

Sadly, this is where many women live.

I know this place because I lived there. I struggled there.

And I guess I'm just wondering if you or someone you love might be there as we begin another year. A New Year. It's tough when everything around you screams "Happy New Year!" and you feel anything but.

It quite honestly stinks.

So, I'm not going to pretend you'll suddenly feel super happy after reading this.

But what I can promise is a string of words that explains a lot. An answer that is sure and solid and true and full of the breathless wonder of a hope rediscovered.

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved," (Acts 4:13).

Salvation can't be found in a person.

Even a good husband — good children — a good friend makes a very poor God.

Salvation can't be found in anyone or anything else.

No education or job or house can save you.

There is no other.

Only Jesus.

And I'm not just talking about saying we're a Christian. Just following the rules and really following Jesus are two totally different things.

Going through the motions of religion won't ever satisfy. It's only when we bend down low, open our heart in complete surrender, and say, "Jesus, it's You. Only You. There is no other. There is no other possession or person or position that can ever fill the deep soul place shaped only for You."

This is my New Year's prayer this year. Though I've been saved for a long time, I want to recapture the essence of this "no other" reality.

And really live like this is true.

Because it is. True.

Dear Lord, forgive me for trying to fill the empty places of my soul with people, possessions and positions. I want to know what it means to have You, Lord, as the satisfier of the deep places meant only for You. Show me. Teach me. Lead me. And I will follow. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

vs.

Taken from "Encouragement for Today" email devotional...
received right when I needed it...

My thoughts: I want to give up.
God's Word: Be committed Matthew 5:33-37

My thoughts: I'll feel lost.
God's Word: He watches my paths and establishes my ways. Proverbs 5:21, 4:26

My thoughts: No one loves me.
God's Word: He loves me more than life. John 3:16

My thoughts: I'm ugly.
God's Word: I'm wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

My thoughts: I'm all alone and no one understands me.
God's Word: He will never leave me. He has plans for my life. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts: I'm just not good enough.
God's Word: I was created in His image. Genesis 1:26